- M-Dashing

Wednesday

Dec022009

22 famous people I wouldn’t recognize if they were hairless

Mr. T

Dorothy Hamill

Art Garfunkel

Albert Einstein

Eric Estrada

Larry

James Brown

Che Guevara

Andy Warhol

Marge Simpson

Don King

Adolf Hitler

Phil Spector

Crystal Gayle

Groucho Marx

Frida Kahlo

Slash

Jon Edwards

Santa Claus

Kim Jong-Il

Chewbacca

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Monday

Nov302009

The gift guide you never, ever wanted

Sometimes even the best Southern families leave their big kitchens filled with mouthwatering Thanksgiving leftovers like honey-baked ham, slow-cooked green beans, squash casserole, sweet-potato pie, and homemade biscuits to partake in "ham," "green beans," "squash casserole," "sweet potatoes," and "biscuits" at a Cracker Barrel restaurant.

That is exactly how I found myself yesterday manuevering my way through the massive tables of kitty-cat sculptures, Best of Conway Twitty CDs, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" sweatshirts, and old-timey candy jars that occupy the "Old Country Store" in the Cracker Barrel near my mom and dad's house.

The 'Barrel, of course, asked us to wait five minutes inside the store for our table (very convenient in case one of us decided that we'd like to add a "Kiss My Grits" apron or Kountry Kritter Kup n' Saucer Kit to our credit-card bill). And as those five minutes became 10, became 15, became etc., etc., I knew that I had just two choices: walk outside and freeze while sitting on one of the store's rocking chairs, or find a way to manage the madness while trapped inside the World's Most Annoying Store.

And so, because I hate cold weather and love a challenge, I decided to stay inside and attempt to master the unmasterable: the creation of an almost-decent holiday gift guide using only items found inside the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store.

Enjoy. And I promise to never, ever do this to you again.

FOR THE FOODIE

Bone Suckin' Sauce, $4.99