Nerd Alert, AKA That Post About My Brother's Tree

So my mom is nuts about Christmas. Specifically, about decorating for Christmas.

As my two younger brothers and I grew up, one of the Christmas traditions she had was to purchase each of us a new ornament each year. The thought was that we would take those ornaments with us to our own homes when we moved out of hers. And if you know anything about the price of ornaments, this is a very generous gesture (I mean, those suckers are not even close to cheap).

Now, if you look back at the ornaments that made up my personal collection, you'd see an array of things: a ceramic Big Bird here, a Clara from "The Nutcracker" there, and an eclectic assortment of items representing different countries, funny situations, movies, and, like, Elvis collectibles (I went through a phase). I would say that my youngest brother Steven's ornaments are much the same.

My brother David's collection, however, took a quite different turn.

Dave, you see, was a true 1980's kid who watched a taped-off-the-TV version of "Return of the Jedi" on our VCR on repeat pretty much every day after school for a good year or two. (20 minutes of the flick "Time Bandits" would play after ROTJ was over, but the tape cut off then, so he'd just rewind and start again.) He was super into Star Wars, and after that, Star Trek, and my mother--and Hallmark--were thrilled about this.

Hallmark, as you may or may not know, has been creating Star Wars and Star Trek ornaments for forever now, and if that ornament beeped, blurted, lit up, swooshed, burped, or declared that it was someone's father, my mom added it to Dave's pile of yearly ornaments. And as time went by, that pile became ridiculously huge and totally ready to take over any galaxy nearby or far, far away.

Dave eventually moved out of our parents' home, and with him, took his pile. It didn't make an appearance again until several years later, when David met another woman who is nuts about Christmas--and who is also clearly nuts about him. You know how I know? Every year since, David has a special tree in their home dedicated soley to his personal collection of Star ornaments that, when the lights are plugged in, ferociously beeps, blurts, dazzles, swooshes, burps, and declares that it's your dad--all at one time.

It is truly an awesome sight. And here are the pics he just sent me of this year's tree. Blame it on the Force. And Hallmark. And also on the ladies who love him.

Just a little slice

Here are some pics from my trip home to visit my family. Collectively, we now may be around 62 pounds heavier. But that simply means there's more of us to love.

Four ornaments you’ll have to explain to your grandparents

(However, you can avoid the confusion all together if you simply place them on the back of the tree before Maw-Maw and Pop-Pop stop by.) (Just sayin'.)

Mini Yoga Mat and Bag by ChrisCreatures at etsy.com

Nintendo wii Christmas ornament by bearduck at etsy

Boxed sushi set by treaclezoo at etsy

Tiny Crocheted Skull Ornaments by DeweyDecimalCrafts at etsy

All images / websites / content © their respective owners.

The gift guide you never, ever wanted

Sometimes even the best Southern families leave their big kitchens filled with mouthwatering Thanksgiving leftovers like honey-baked ham, slow-cooked green beans, squash casserole, sweet-potato pie, and homemade biscuits to partake in "ham," "green beans," "squash casserole," "sweet potatoes," and "biscuits" at a Cracker Barrel restaurant.

That is exactly how I found myself yesterday manuevering my way through the massive tables of kitty-cat sculptures, Best of Conway Twitty CDs, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" sweatshirts, and old-timey candy jars that occupy the "Old Country Store" in the Cracker Barrel near my mom and dad's house.

The 'Barrel, of course, asked us to wait five minutes inside the store for our table (very convenient in case one of us decided that we'd like to add a "Kiss My Grits" apron or Kountry Kritter Kup n' Saucer Kit to our credit-card bill). And as those five minutes became 10, became 15, became etc., etc., I knew that I had just two choices: walk outside and freeze while sitting on one of the store's rocking chairs, or find a way to manage the madness while trapped inside the World's Most Annoying Store.

And so, because I hate cold weather and love a challenge, I decided to stay inside and attempt to master the unmasterable: the creation of an almost-decent holiday gift guide using only items found inside the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store.

Enjoy. And I promise to never, ever do this to you again.

FOR THE FOODIE

Bone Suckin' Sauce, $4.99

Virginia Homestyle Peanuts, $5.29

FOR THE BEAUTY ENTHUSIAST

Dionis Blue Ridge Wildflower Hand Cream, $9.99

Kirk's Castile Bar Soap, $1.49

FOR KIDSSock monkey, $17.99

Potato gun, $3.99

FOR STUFFING STOCKINGS

Jawbreakers jar, $4.49

Cracker Jack Collector Series, $0.99

FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WANT YOU TO BUY THEM SOMETHING FROM THE OLD COUNTRY STORE

Gomer Pyle DVD, $29.99

Fiber Optic Angel with Motion, $22.46 (on sale! AND IT MOVES!)

All images / websites / content © their respective owners.